still thinking...

So for Lent my mission was obviously a form of self improvement; particularly thinking before I speak. Which I have to say has been a bit of a struggle, sometimes I do forget. However I do feel that I've done rather well considering how much I forget EVERYTHING. Unfortunately Post-It's don't work for me... I lose them! :)

However perhaps even within that goal perhaps I should have been a lot more particular. Today I caught myself mid thought and realized how I don't talk very nicely to myself. Right now I'm on a self improvement project with my physical well being, however maybe I should have gone a little in the mental category too! First and foremost we should all think better of ourselves.

Why is it that we are so self critical? I do believe in criticism if its constructive, done in a way to benefit a person. How is it that we're not content with who we are? I do believe everyone can improve themselves, but that doesn't mean we should be so harsh as we figure out those self issues.

Today as the lull of my morning dragged on with housework, my mind obviously got to thinking. As I was setting my work out goals and healthy eating goals for the week, a radio show came on the radio. An interesting topic came up about how our social circles affect our weight. Great point. I found it interesting but not new news. Then the talk show host suggested finding friends to work out together with, which helps us follow through with our goals. So then that got my train of thought on enlisting friends. I then started mentally creating this list, and realized, there was no list to create. Truly my social circle consists of my husband and children. Despite the busy lifestyle I can sometimes lead, its because I have to put myself out there for it to be that way.

Then of course my mind started wondering why it is that way. I'm often at home unless its a child related activity or job/volunteer related activity. Many people live similar lifestyles, but also manage to have hobbies and friends that share those hobbies or passions. So many questions ran through my mind at this point. Do I struggle with a social circle because I have so many interests? Or do I struggle with the social circle because of the mystery body pain that can be limiting? Or is it just flat out my personality?

Of course were a zillion thoughts as to why I have this isolated lifestyle of mine, and it zeroed in on my personality or lack there of. So then I fell into a pit of trying to pin point what I do that is so unattractive to people. And of course, naturally, its easy to figure out my own faults. What I can be better at, who I should be more like... then as the day progressed, I realized I just need to flat out stop being so critical on myself. Quit talking to myself in such a negative manner. Do I really think these thoughts? Or am I reading too many magazines? Have I watched too many talk shows in the past? Is it possible I just let too many insecure and negative people into my life that I've allowed their own thoughts become my own?  Regardless, its time to stop. It's time to be a little nicer to everyone, but it has to start with being nicer to myself.

Thinking before we speak.

This past week, my goal for Lent, like I mentioned is thinking before acting. (So thinking before I speak and thinking before I eat) It has gone okay. Actually it is going better than okay. Except I do have to admit it's definitely a struggle not saying the first thing that comes to my mind. As I've mentioned, I'm on this new endeavor of self improvement, and there is a lot of people already attempting to sabotage my efforts regardless if they realize this or not. It's very hurtful... and when I'm hurt, I react. Whether its verbally responding or quietly withdrawing, I will react either way. Unfortunately this whole thinking thing, has left me with no defense mechanism. I'm certainly trying hard to be patient, and if I respond, I do attempt to respond light heartedly or in a more positive manner. Then, today, I had several little notes sent to me privately along with several posted on Facebook... It got to be a little much. And I posted the following:

In the past week I decided to take another step further into self improvement in my physical health, more like a leap. And I have to ask, since when has improving one's self become such a bad thing? I have had beyond a handful of comments on Facebook with people telling me different things that are completely UNSUPPORTIVE and Negative. And a couple people telling me good for you. Thank you for those that are being positive on this journey of mine, it'll only make it easier. 

If someone tells me, I'm going to quit smoking, or cut back on smoking... Do I say, "What for?" No, I say, "that's great!" And sometimes I add on to that with, well give me a call if things get rough, or tell them of different programs that might help them. Many say they're going to cut back on other habits that they feel are not good for them... and here I am wanting to create GOOD habits.  Well I want to decrease my immobility by increasing my physical routine and lower my BMI. I have been basically stationary since I got pregnant with my second child... And I"m finally almost better! Thanks to physical therapists and chiropractors, a patient husband, and the Grace of God, I can actually walk and sit normally without it being painful. I can even sleep a little more soundly.

Unfortunately I wasn't blessed with the perfect health. It's a constant process trying to figure out what prevents all these dumb ailments that I didn't bring on myself. And the majority of recommended prevention tips is, be in good health, good physical health. I certainly am not blessed with being able to take many medications either to band aid ailments, so I do have to seek natural at home remedies... such as exercising. 

Something to think about, if it were something such as cancer, where I wanted to fight back the illness, would people then tell me, "you're fine the way you are?"  That's not what a person would want to hear. Maybe something like, "I'm behind you every step of the way." Right?  No, I don't have cancer. However I do have chronic illnesses that I do have to deal with for the rest of my life. And I'd prefer my life to be a long, happy and healthy (as can be) life. 

So please, be supportive. Otherwise just don't say it. There's nothing wrong at all for a person wanting self improvement, especially if its not harming anyone.

Yes I like to talk about the journey. Talk though. Not constantly defend myself. 

Thanks. 

I realize comparing my health problems to cancer probably ruffled feathers. I have had many many family members die from cancer. It's a painful heartbreaking disease. I'm not comparing my actual health problems to cancer, but the response is what I'm comparing to. It's same like if someone had depression, people just don't get over it. They need to figure out what works to battle the disease. It's the same for myself.

I've gone over a decade with feeling undiagnosed. I described my symptoms to doctors and they just offer medications, which very unfortunately, don't fix the problem. So here I am trying to do what I can at home.  I want to see if that will help.

Over the past month, I've noticed many people pleading for positive support on self improvement, and SO MANY PEOPLE just do the opposite. I wonder what the responses will be on this note? I put a lot of thought into my response to all the criticism I've received this past week. Hopefully it'll help others think before THEY SPEAK.

I will survive

A few days ago, in anticipation of this chapter in my weight loss journey, I had a dream where the food I got from Nutri System was disgusting. Of course, naturally, that has been a fear of mine which caused me to procrastinate in purchasing the food plan for quite sometime.

This past week I was journaling food that I had in my kitchen, prepping for what was to come and did fairly well. In the week, I lost 3.5 pounds. Yay! After months of going up, I dropped a portion of what i had gained. What was different? I don't know to be quite honest... Starved myself a little with the exception of Fat Tuesday, because I wanted to live out the name "Fat." (Naughty word!) I also was making sure I stayed active.

Yesterday I was pretty happy to see that I got the first half of my food, regardless of the fear. The other half comes shipped frozen. They're having some deal through NS right now, so that's what I got. Will I like it? Who knows at that moment. So then when I see this huge box of food, the next question is where to put all this food! I do have a house of four, so obviously kitchen cupboards are filled to the brim for my kiddos. I clean out a drawer that once had basically junk in it. When I open the box of NS foods, I'm laughing my rear end off... Seriously? A turkey hot dog? A hamburger? They don't need to be refrigerated? Scary. I've been reassured they're great and safe. I can live on hope for now.

So today has been my first official day on the Nutri System plan. I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised thus far. NS isn't all that different from Weight Watchers in some sense. Journalling everything we consume is not different, but with NS, there's not really any guessing. I like that. The main meal has taken the guesswork out of it. So the additions, such as your fruit, veggie, carbs, proteins and fats are where the work is, and it's not really work. They give you a little book to see what they have measured out for you. So ease in that. Also, they do encourage cleaner foods, although they have processed foods, the things you add, they prefer fresh. Great! Simple enough since that's what I try to keep in our house.  They want to make sure you're getting the right amount of your Dietary needs, such as what I mentioned previously. Same as Weight Watchers. I have to say I will do a lot of comparing to Weight Watchers because that is all that I've known for the last 6 years.

Back to the food. Scary but curious. This morning, I scoured through the breakfast choices, settled on a blueberry muffin with fruit and a boiled egg. That blueberry muffin, I tossed in the microwave. It was like any other boxed blueberry muffin you'd buy in the bread aisle. Not much flavor, chewy... Thankfully lots of blueberries in it though. I used up my fat this morning by tossing on some butter so I could finish it. Then did about 2 hours of Dancing with the kids on the Wii... by then I was hungry again, I waited to see if it was just mental or physical. An hour later I gave in. Again, I venture to my drawer of food. I pull out the Tuna Salad, in my previous experiences with pre-made tuna salad isn't so great.  It mentions to put it on bread, however I figured there's lots of carbs in this meal plan, so I put it on lettuce, tomatoes, and some cheese. It was really good! So the day was getting better with the food. I was worried I'd be on the Nutri System discussion boards all the time trying to figure out how to doctor up the food, but really didn't see a need today. So that's great! And by the way, you can become a member of Nutri Systems website without buying the food. Cures the curiosity I suppose.


Snack time... not really hungry but I have my orange. Back to playing with my kids. Then the aroma of food comes from the kitchen, my hubby is making dinner. Envious of the chicken nuggets, I rummage through and grab a boxed meal of Chicken Penne Pasta. Scared? You bet? Will I survive? I hope so. I open it, and suddenly I have this flash back of the Gerber toddler meals. Not as scared as I recall feeding my children food very similar to this. I heat up some veggies, toss it into my heated pasta along with more tomatoes. Take a deep breath, then take a bite. It was really good! I was truly surprised yet again. Two out of three foods, not so bad!

The day is done, I even had dessert. I'm not acquainted with desserts, especially on a daily basis. I survived. I feel fine. Actually I feel stuffed. So my next fear is next Friday when I weigh in, is that it won't be a big loss if any... But we shall see!

Sitting in mass today got me thinking... about thinking.

Lent is a great time of the year because we are challenged to challenge ourselves to become a better person (Christian)... But that doesn't mean you really have to be practicing anything in particular to come up and accept a challenge.

In my Weight Watcher days, I remember getting a 16 week stay and succeed charm. The purpose? Anything we do repetitively can easily just become a habit. While Lent doesn't last that long, it certainly can be the beginning to greener pastures.

First my Lent goal is to become a truly better person, is to not instantly react. Take a moment to think about how I should react. It's something I've challenged myself to do before, but not well. Funny how we find silence uncomfortable. Again, in my Weight Watcher days, when I was employed by WW, I remember during training how they'd say, it's okay for it to be quiet after a comment or question. It gives us time to comprehend and think. Yet I'd be one to ramble. As I am now.  Something I truly want and need to work on.

Time for confession... I've been diligently working the program of Weight Watchers, yet there's something I'm just flat out missing. And lately I've steadily climbed numbers on the scale. Am I frustrated? Yes. Of course I am. How is something that did me well for FIVE years, no actually SIX years, suddenly failing me? I have even gone back to start anew... And as I anxiously went to weigh in, I discovered yet another gain. It was clearly a blow to my confidence. Luckily I'm not giving up. However, Weight Watchers, I'm going on to what may seem be the dark side after being so loyal to Weight Watchers... Last Friday, I purchased Nutrisystem. I had considered Jenny Craig, but seen the costs and well, for something I don't whole heartedly believe is the best for our bodies, I don't want to financially contribute that much money. In comparisons I found, results were that Nutrisystem's food was equal to Jenny Craig plus it was far cheaper. I was hoping today I'd get the product so I can get it... unfortunately it wasn't.

Am I ready? I hope so. Between Nutrisystem and Lenten season (Fasting)... I am hopefully going to see the scale fall back a bit. Yes, absolutely selfish and has nothing to do with Catholicism. However, it will hopefully create the better me than I once was. Physically. Am I scared? Absolutely. In fact, I had a nightmare that I had my first meal where it was so horrible I couldn't eat it. Maybe that's the trick to the weight loss? We paid for a months worth of food and we're so broke, that we can't afford anything else? Who knows!? But it is absolutely worth a shot.


Okay... so now that I got all that out without thought... I'll start thinking before I speak. And I'll think before I eat.

Attracting the Positive?

Last week, during one uninspired day, I decided to check out what Netflix had to offer... Yes, I have plenty of things I should have been doing, but I had zero ambition. I stumbled upon a movie called "The Secret" and of course it instantly caught my eye! Who doesn't want to know a secret? Right?  So I clicked on the movie, ready to discover the Secret... unfortunately the ambition turned into sleepy eyes, and lulled to a slumber as the movie played. Apparently I was partially listening, because it was simply about Laws of Attraction. The theory is whatever energy you're giving out, you shall also receive. 

One example is when one person gets bombarded with money issues. They consistently worry about cash flow, and soon they are overwhelmed with debt. One thought is that once the person is constantly thinking negatively about money issues, they begin to spend erratically, normally in splurges, therefore creating debts that they cannot handle. And that begins to attract even more negative thinking and behavior. Thus getting stuck in a never ending circle of misery.

Yes, I didn't watch the movie closely... but I thought, what a simple idea.... Think positive and get positive results. While I can be a Debbie Downer, I have to say I do believe this idea. Sometimes when I'm fighting an illness, I'll decide, I'm not going to allow this to bring me down. I'll get showered, refreshed, go all out in pampering myself with a positive attitude, and it certainly helps. 

Then I thought I need to use this idea for so many avenues, but my current goal is to work on my weight loss and fitness goals. How many of us honestly say we are looking forward to exercising? Or do we allow obstacles to set us back? What about watching our diets? Do we submit to what's holding us back? Or do we keep pressing forward.

Last week I was doing great with my food journaling, I did get in a few quick work outs, but I was quite honestly not being very optimistic about the idea. A friend happened to ask me about Weight Watchers, if I still worked there and if I go to meetings. I was eager to get back into the meetings, but of course, had my reservations. My weight has not been this high in almost 3 years, so imagine the humiliation in my mind pre-set prior to getting to the scale of my once former co-workers. So naturally, I had excuses until the friend had asked. Then I realized how silly it was of me to think that these people would judge me... They face the scale at least on a monthly basis in order to maintain their job; along with knowing we're all human. They are a service there to help. 

So this past Saturday morning I had faced my fear but rather than seeing it as a fear, I seen it as an opportunity to reassess what I've been doing to myself... To become motivated and also reframe my mindset. That morning I worried about what was the lightest thing I could wear, hoping it'd help me out. Before I got out of the house, I did have breakfast which I normally don't do the morning of a weigh-in, but I figured, I better treat myself right, don't deprive myself. I got to my former Saturday stomping ground downtown, there was lots of chatter going on, very high energy... and there I was, nervous as if it were my first visit. I got on the scale, and surprise!!! It was although a higher weight, it wasn't as high as I once thought.  Good job me! (I think!)

I'd rather think positive at this point, because again, negative thoughts create negative energy and lately it is certainly the last thing I want. 

Moving forward, since then I haven't thought of myself as what I can't or shouldn't have; I'm eager to discover what I can have.  Instead of getting upset from little indulgences, I will select an alternative... which has been utilizing my Nintendo Wii. I have picked up the Wii Fit & Balance Board, Wii Sports, Just Dance, Just Dance 2 and Zumba in the past year. Wii Fit is certainly entertaining when you're trying to hula hoop without the hoop or flopping ones arms around like a bird.  However, its the Just Dance series and Zumba that are incredibly motivating and get me to look forward to working out. Even as my head hit my pillow last night, I had some of the songs in my head and the movements that go with it. 

Does the idea of Laws of Attraction work? I don't know, but the idea of thinking positive absolutely helps keep anyone's day going. Not that it is always going to be easy, I've already struggled with it. The last few days have not been a struggle. I had an obstacle presented to myself on Monday and decided to let it go, as I use to let it fester... Today, I got a call from my boss saying the office was closed. In the past I'd be upset, it's my one day I work, I have prepaid daycare arranged, and I would have plenty of negative thoughts running through my brain.  Instead, I thought, oh I can get so much done today! I ran several errands, finished some reports, enjoyed a cup of coffee with my husband, took care of myself, had time to create a healthy lunch... and I got to write about it! A productive day, in fact it has been several productive days. Even when prospective negative incident had approached me, I decided, it's not worth it, it's not going to ruin my day... and it seemed the negativity quickly went the other direction.

Not to say I won't have bad days in the future, but I'm optimistic there will be many Fantastic days!

Woohoo! I didn't give up on Day 2

So I succeeded yesterday in following the PointsPlus plan and didn't forget nor lose sight of my goal... Staying on target for at least one day. It sounds much easier than one might think.

I've always had a weight issue nor learned at an early age how to eat properly. So imagine the bad habits I pick up when I don't have a goal... I allow things like candy, potato chips, etc to lurk around my home for the little ones and my husband. Yesterday I didn't go crazy throwing every thing out, but I did put everything out of sight. A mom spends a lot of time in the kitchen even when a mom isn't hungry. And that's where we struggle with mindless eating. We eat because it is there.

I stayed on target. I admit though, those points can add up rather quickly.  Even this morning, I pre-planned that I would have greek yogurt with fruit. So I cut up my fruit, weighed out my yogurt, which 2 ounces of yogurt can go quite a long way... then I realized I was lacking protein, which I do believe has helped me with curbing hunger. So I added my pecans... while they will do me a big favor with being satisfying, I was caught off guard with the PP Value. Again, it helps with curbing my hunger, so I can't get too trippy over this.

So bigger goal today... Stay on my food plan and WORK OUT. In January I did quit the gym. I once had a great routine where I went in daily to just hop on the elliptical and come back a couple times a week for class.  However I never am happy with having to wait, especially in these first three months of the year where New Years Resolutions are in tact. So I left. Perhaps soon I'll go back, but right now, I wanted to save us some money knowing I wouldn't be going on a regular basis.  So no gym, what to do?  I bought Zumba in addition to my Just Dance videos.

Zumba Zumba Zumba... my first experience with the new fad wasn't so great. I hopped in class, tripped all over myself and others. In a previous blog I mentioned I need to work on my confidence. For someone with no rhythm and two left feet, Zumba wasn't the place to get it. I had women of all ages and sizes circling around me. Good for them... sad for me.  I didn't go back until one day I was complaining not knowing the instructor was next to me, Dacia, who said, "give it another shot."  So I did. It was fun music and energy, but again I felt left out. When I was working for Weight Watchers, a member said she was wanting to try it out, I volunteered to go with her for moral support. Then I got hooked. Apparently everyone did too, the classes were getting far too large, I need my space to trip on myself.  So I was completely delighted to find out I could add Zumba to my Wii Collection.

Today, as I was dancing like no one was watching, because there wasn't, I was giggling because of all the cracking and snapping from the Crepitus. My little three year old was there dancing with me and she turns around saying, "What was that?"  haha... again, confident in my decision to dance and exercise "alone."  I was also giggling because of the lack of rhythm I have... imagining what I must look like, I almost considered grabbing a mirror to see if I'm actually dancing  or just looking like a maniac.  Either way, I worked up a good sweat.

My week end goal is to attend a Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday after not attending since December. It's time to face reality of the damage I have done and maybe it won't be as bad as I thought.

So all in all, it's looking like a good day!

Ok, So I admit, I forgot

A few years ago, I had intended on starting this blog with a goal in mind, enjoying my thirty somethings. I believe later I realized I needed to focus on my current health. I had issues with horrible body pain, headaches, stomach problems, etc. In my younger years, I thought how great my 30 somethings will be. My thoughts were this: a career will be established, have a healthy lifestyle, be confident in myself and also with my body, a home of my own, possibly a love interest or a husband and children. Apparently Jennifer Garner thought the same thing? (13 going on 30) On the note of being in love with my own body, I did grow up in the 80s... where we watched movies all about exercising.  Jamie Lee Curtis, how dare you make the moves on John Travolta!

My first entry is going to focus on health... since my forgetfulness is health related.

I turned 30 in January. Was it difficult as so many others have said? Not really. In fact, I was pretty excited. Though I'm sure I didn't have anyone sharing the enthusiasm.

I over celebrated my changing to my new digits. I gained probably 5 pounds... ugh. Jeans, slacks, shirts all not fitting so well.  Not too long ago, I left Weight Watchers, where I was once a Mentor and Leader... when I resigned, I apparently resigned from myself.  Luckily, I'm trying to be reactive before it gets completely out of hand.

Weight Watchers came out with a great new plan, called the PointsPlus program. I was very excited to be part of the roll out.

Over the weekend, we were visiting family and attended a birthday part... I was soooo upset with myself when my big slacks were not so big, in fact they were snug. I was thankful I packed a "body slimmer" which prevented muffin top.  Rather than wallow in self pity this time around, I decided I am getting back on plan. Ok, so I admit, I did have a large soda, potato chips and a breakfast roll on our way back home... but once I walked in the door, I started checking out options.

I admit, I was thinking of checking out Jenny Craig. I did look into it, the more I thought about the idea, I realized how I was not doing myself any favors. There are reasons and bad habits as to why I've gained this weight, which I need to work through, not just have some pre-made meals sent to me. I also checked out Nutri System and a few other weight loss programs and plans. In the past I experimented with weight loss pills... FYI--- bad idea!

I was not impressed with reviews that I had searched online, along with reviews I've had when I once worked for Weight Watchers. I had many people say they tried these other companies, which didn't work well or didn't have lasting results.

So here I am, back on Weight Watchers. Luckily, they have a plan for Lifetime Members. (Those who have reached their weight loss goal and maintain it) So I don't have to really worry about registration fees, etc. I just have to pay for the lack of maintaining my goal and for not attending meetings once a month.

I downloaded the Weight Watcher application to my iPod Touch, since I'm not so fortunate to have an iPhone. I LOVE the app! It is awesome. I was able to track with the iPhone, look up recipes, look for inspiration, etc. Tracking was once a downfall, however my iPod doesn't really leave my side, so this hopefully will be a piece of cake.  Did someone say cake!?

Well anyway, day one has been a slight success. I've been paying attention... And SIPPING my soda, which I do need to really cut back on. It's not good for us. But even what is good for us is only good in moderation.

So here I go. Hopefully I won't forget to be healthy... Nor write about it.